5 Days: Day 1 - 'What It Is to Burn'

Wow. It’s been 28 hours and I feel like I’ve been at this for approximately 5 months. The fact that it took me 2 minutes to add 24 plus 4 is proof of where my mental capacity is at right now.

 Last night we spent 3 hours constructing our beautiful cardboard dwelling into what is now affectionately known as “the hut”. I’m actually quite proud of it; it survived the beating of a full night of wind (note: this is Lethbridge wind, not normal wind.) In fact, I was so proud of it that as I settled down to sleep I almost felt bad. It was too nice! I sat there hoping that the conditions would get a little worse or else this would be a pretty false experience.

Stupid me.

I woke up after an hour of sleep to the sound of buses running ten feet away and my back in a permanently crooked position. Apparently concrete floors and seven people crammed into a tiny space do not actually make for a “nice” experience. But, like I said, our shelter did make it through the night, so that was a relief. (When I heard the buses in the morning I genuinely thought we were being steamrolled. I said my final words and made peace with the fact that I was going out doing something I cared about.)

After some delicious donated coffee, we were out begging by 8am. For the most part, people’s reactions were good. Most apologized because they didn’t have any change on them. I felt bad for the most part; I don’t want this to be about guilt so much as a desire to be informed and help out. Some were super kind and even if they didn’t have change would just stop to talk. Others were jerks:

“Do you have any spare change?”

“Yup!”

“Sweet! Thanks.”

“But I’d never give it to you.”

“Oh.”

OR

“Do you have any spare change?”

“I do, but if I gave it to you I’d be in the same position you’re in.”

Really?? One dollar of pocket change is going to put you on the street, Mr. IPhone with accompanying Bench jacket? I know that I said this wasn’t about guilt, and I really try hard not to judge people, but I judged that guy. I judged the crap out of that guy. Him and the lady who had a phone conversation that was so obviously faked that she turned around after she had passed and we acknowledged with our eyes how incredibly terrible her attempt had been. Ten points for trying.

That being said, I had some really good experiences as well. I wasn’t ever worried about having food because there were more than enough donations. I like that our meals have become entirely communal; everything just goes in a big pile and we take from it as we feel we need it. Between that and sleeping within 2 cm of each other, I already feel really close with my fellow participants. I know I could not do this on my own. Knowing that there is someone else that can relate to a day full of wordless head shakes and avoided eye contact is instrumental to my self worth. It’s hard not to take it personally, so a reminder every ten minutes of why I am doing this is also key. I also had 8 different radio/tv stations ask me that question today, so that helped as well. (PS, if you have access to a tv, can someone tape those for me? One of the reporters asked me to look as pathetic as possible. I didn’t change my expression and she said, “Great!” and took the picture. Sooo… I’m curious to see just how pitiful I appear.)

 Highlights of the day were friends who came and brought me food and company. AND people who came up and gave to us without us even asking. AND people who stopped to ask questions and genuinely got excited for us. AND getting to wear a sandwich sign (with the added bonus of not blowing away despite the wind’s best attempts). AND having an awesome team.

I am now going to take my insanely windburnt face (I definitely did not realize that 8 hours of standing in the wind could result in excruciating pain) to my cold and unwelcoming sleeping bag and dwell on how people are awesome. Cause they are. I just need to let myself remember that and suppress the instinct to dwell on the few-and-far-between jerks.

Bring it Day 2.