An Ode to Mono

So, as many of you know, I have been dealt with the wonderful disease known as mono. MONO. It’s so threatening. Not because the word itself is that intimidating, in fact quite the opposite because it kind of reminds me of Bono, which is soothing. Rather because its name suggests that it will only affect you once, yet, while that may be true, that once may last for FOUR freakin’ months.

I am now coming close to my four month monoversary (man I am I ever clever) and I think that I may just maybe actually sorta kinda a little bit possibly be done with it *crosses fingers* (I'm hoping not to jinx it by typing it out loud). I've been told that I am going to have the lack of energy symptom for a while to come, but the rest seem to have left for the time being. In honour of this glorious occasion I have created for you a list, no an ode rather, of the 25 things I have learnt over the last four months.

  

Everything I’ve Learnt, I Learnt From Mono: 

An Ode to Infectious Mononucleosis

1. I’ve learnt where my spleen is located.
2. I’ve learnt that buying Costco amounts of toilet paper unintentionally back in September actually comes in handy once you run out of Kleenex boxes.
3.  I’ve learnt I suck at being sick. If there were an award for being sick, I would get the Razzie equivalent of it. I’m just not good at it. I believe that some people can be good at. I'm not. (It's as if I was driving everyone else here crazy. Crazy with worry, that is.)
4. I've learnt that people are all too aware that mono is known as the "kissing disease". I've also learnt that the phrase "kissing disease" apparently has to be said in the exact same high-pitched, sing-song tone every single time it is said.
5. I've leant that some people aren't aware that mono is not an STD.
6. I’ve learnt that “I have mono” is an effective way of getting out of things as well as gaining more personal space.
7. I’ve learnt that sometimes mono made me a terrible person. I felt like I was carrying around a secret weapon. Sometimes I would spend my whole class scheming about how I could exchange saliva with people I don't like.
8. I've learnt that Oil of Oregano, as miraculous as it may be, still tastes like garbage no matter how many different ways you take it.
9. I’ve learnt that watching “House” for 8-hour periods while being sick is entirely entertaining, but really unsettling and ultimately unhealthy as you feel like you are about to die every approximately 38 minutes. Don’t worry, he always figures it out in the end.
10. Studying about the migration and gestation periods of pigeons is boring normally. I’ve learnt that studying the migration and gestation periods of pigeons while having mono = worse than watching consecutive episodes of the Tyra Banks show.
11. I've learnt that girlfriends are understanding and patient (sorry about the Tyra Banks comment).
12. I’ve learnt that having zero appetite is a great way to save on your grocery budget.
13. I’ve learnt that attempting to play trumpet while having mono = a lot of phlegm and not a whole lot else. Enjoy that mental picture.
14. After 4 months of coughing, my abs are going to be freakin’ RIPPED. I haven’t learnt this yet, but I will.
15. I’ve learnt that girls never tire of laughing at you when your voice cracks. Never.
16. I’ve learnt that attempting to do mono-obstructed meditative breathing exercises in yoga class results in purely in frustration as well as people inching their mats away.
17. I’ve learnt that threatening to spit in the water fountains is a great way to get yourself approved to be excused from completing your practicum.
18. I've learnt that not being able to breathe out of your nose for 2 months sucks. I've also learnt that that first full breath after 2 months is a cathartic, euphoric, and a, for all intents and purposes, magical experience. Some would even equate it to the feeling you get the first time you hold your newborn.
19. I've learnt that when you announce said ability to breathe with both nostrils to your parents they will respond with comments such as: "Congratulations!", "Send out the pigeons!", and "Blow the flugelhorns!" Aren't parents swell?
20. I've learnt how often I break out into song. This proved difficult and entertaining many times throughout the four months (see #15).
21. I've learnt that not having the appetite to eat the huge Thanksgiving meals that are set out before you is murder, especially when you're a university student whose normal eating habits consist of KD and cereal.
22. I’ve learnt that middle school students will continue to nail you with hacky-sacks even if you warn them about your swollen spleen. Fourteen-year-olds are impervious to swollen spleens.
23. After the first two months, I learnt that it is a lot handier to keep the garbage can directly beside my bed instead of trying to aim used Kleenexes into the bin 6 feet away. On a related note, I’ve once again learnt why I did not make the basketball team in high school.
24. I’ve learnt that not having the energy to take advantage of a day where you didn’t go to school is like running a steaming hot bubble bath and not being able to step into it.
25.  I’ve learnt I have a new appreciation for the healing powers of a steaming hot bubble bath.

I’ve also heard about a lot of different horror stories of people who have had to quit their jobs or schooling because they couldn’t keep up with it due to mono (including one of my profs). I mention this because I cannot be more thankful that God gave me the strength to keep up with my classes and finish off my semester well. Christmas break couldn't have come at a better time because right now I am able to indulge my ridiculous sleeping pattern and hopefully get back to normal come January 10th. So here’s to ripped abs.

A good, optimistic getting better song: