A Guaranteed Technique that is Guaranteed to Work, I Guarantee it!

Planning on finally fulfilling that New Years Resolution?!? Finding yourself promising that you’re really gonna quit this time?!? Really wanting to kick the 'rettes goodbye?!? Well have I got some 19^th-century poetry for you!!

In yesterdays blog I did not touch on the main function of children’s literature in the 18^th/19^th century. Poems and stories back then were almost always didactic; they were used to teach children a lesson or a moral. Most of the texts we have gone through in class have been incredibly gruesome, shocking, and for the most part, pretty heartbreaking. See, for example, a poem from Isaac Watt’s Divine and Moral Songs for Children.

Obedience to Parents

Let children that would fear the Lord

Hear what their teachers say:

With reverence hear their parent’s word,

And with delight obey.

Have you not heard what dreadful plagues

Are threaten’d by the Lord,

To him that breaks his father’s laws,

Or mocks his mother’s word?

What heavy guilt upon him lies?

How cursed is his name!

The ravens shall pick out his eyes,

And eagles eat the same.

But those that worship God, and give

Their parents honour due,

Here on this earth they long shall live,

And live hereafter too.

It’s sincerely hard to read. It’s a good thing that we’ve become more civilized since the 19^th century and no longer use fire and brimstone techniques to scare people into Christianity...

Ohh…

Well at least we no longer preach health and wellness sermons that say you’ll live longer if you follow God…

Ummm…

Well at least Christianity is no longer portrayed as a simple list of rules or laws that if you follow then you will get into heaven….

*Pulls on collar* Is it getting awkward in here or is it just me?

But what does that have to do with quitting smoking you ask? Absolutely nothing. In fact, I have no good segue to switch from that depressing view on modern religion to this next poem. Suffice to say that, they may have gotten a lot of things wrong back then, but they definitely got some things right.

Smoke Not

by a Working Man

Two schoolfellows, of equal age,

Were ‘prenticed in one day;

The one was studiously inclined,

The other boy was gay.

The pocket-money each received

Was just the same amount;

And how they both expended it,

I briefly shall recount.

While George was smoking his cigars,

And sauntering about,

With youths as idle as himself,

Shutting all knowledge out;

At the Mechanics’ Institute,

And with his books at home,

Tom wisely spent his leisure hours.

Nor cared the streets to roam.

One eve, when their apprenticeship

Had nearly passed away,

George at his friend Tom’s lodgings called

An hour or two to stay.

He entered smoking his cigar,

Ill-mannerly enough,

And staying round the room, he blew

A most portentous puff.

‘Why, Tom!’ he cried, with much surprise,

‘Is your old uncle dead?

And left you cash to buy those books

That round the walls are spread?’

‘Oh no.’ said Tom, ‘I bought those books

With what my friends allowed.

Had you not smoked away your cash,

You might the same have showed!”

‘Why, my Havannahs only cost

Me threepence every day!’

‘Just so,’ said Tom, ‘you’ve only smoked

A library away!

‘Now reckon up threepence a day

For seven long years to come!

And you will find that it will count

A very handsome sum!’

‘Why, that,’ said George, with humbled look,

‘Full THIRTY POUNDS would be;

How foolishly I’ve smoked away

A handsome library.’

Now wasn't that a much more encouraging and educational read? Here are things I learnt from this poem:

1. Being happy and being "studiously inclined" were contradictory even in the 19^th century.
2. The smoking age for minors used to be irresponsibly low.
3. The word portentious. I have to use that one more often.
4. When you discover that you friend has come acquired a large amount of cash, you should automatically assume it was inherited from a dead relative.
5. Using the destruction of books to appeal to someone who appears not to care for literature or education is 100% effective.
6. Threepence x 365 x 7 = 30 pounds
7.   If you use rhyming poetry to correct your friends they will immediately be humbled and ashamed of their actions.
8. SMOKING KILLS LIBRARIES!! 

Congratulations, I have effectively convinced you to stop smoking. Now you can donate that $60 you were going to spend on Nicorette and donate it to me so that I can further my education and continue to enlighten you with motivational poetry. 

Isn't university awesome?