A Guaranteed Technique that is Guaranteed to Work, I Guarantee it!

Planning on finally fulfilling that New Years Resolution?!? Finding yourself promising that you’re really gonna quit this time?!? Really wanting to kick the 'rettes goodbye?!? Well have I got some 19^th-century poetry for you!!

In yesterdays blog I did not touch on the main function of children’s literature in the 18^th/19^th century. Poems and stories back then were almost always didactic; they were used to teach children a lesson or a moral. Most of the texts we have gone through in class have been incredibly gruesome, shocking, and for the most part, pretty heartbreaking. See, for example, a poem from Isaac Watt’s Divine and Moral Songs for Children.

Obedience to Parents

Let children that would fear the Lord

Hear what their teachers say:

With reverence hear their parent’s word,

And with delight obey.

Have you not heard what dreadful plagues

Are threaten’d by the Lord,

To him that breaks his father’s laws,

Or mocks his mother’s word?

What heavy guilt upon him lies?

How cursed is his name!

The ravens shall pick out his eyes,

And eagles eat the same.

But those that worship God, and give

Their parents honour due,

Here on this earth they long shall live,

And live hereafter too.

It’s sincerely hard to read. It’s a good thing that we’ve become more civilized since the 19^th century and no longer use fire and brimstone techniques to scare people into Christianity...

Ohh…

Well at least we no longer preach health and wellness sermons that say you’ll live longer if you follow God…

Ummm…

Well at least Christianity is no longer portrayed as a simple list of rules or laws that if you follow then you will get into heaven….

*Pulls on collar* Is it getting awkward in here or is it just me?

But what does that have to do with quitting smoking you ask? Absolutely nothing. In fact, I have no good segue to switch from that depressing view on modern religion to this next poem. Suffice to say that, they may have gotten a lot of things wrong back then, but they definitely got some things right.

Smoke Not

by a Working Man

Two schoolfellows, of equal age,

Were ‘prenticed in one day;

The one was studiously inclined,

The other boy was gay.

The pocket-money each received

Was just the same amount;

And how they both expended it,

I briefly shall recount.

While George was smoking his cigars,

And sauntering about,

With youths as idle as himself,

Shutting all knowledge out;

At the Mechanics’ Institute,

And with his books at home,

Tom wisely spent his leisure hours.

Nor cared the streets to roam.

One eve, when their apprenticeship

Had nearly passed away,

George at his friend Tom’s lodgings called

An hour or two to stay.

He entered smoking his cigar,

Ill-mannerly enough,

And staying round the room, he blew

A most portentous puff.

‘Why, Tom!’ he cried, with much surprise,

‘Is your old uncle dead?

And left you cash to buy those books

That round the walls are spread?’

‘Oh no.’ said Tom, ‘I bought those books

With what my friends allowed.

Had you not smoked away your cash,

You might the same have showed!”

‘Why, my Havannahs only cost

Me threepence every day!’

‘Just so,’ said Tom, ‘you’ve only smoked

A library away!

‘Now reckon up threepence a day

For seven long years to come!

And you will find that it will count

A very handsome sum!’

‘Why, that,’ said George, with humbled look,

‘Full THIRTY POUNDS would be;

How foolishly I’ve smoked away

A handsome library.’

Now wasn't that a much more encouraging and educational read? Here are things I learnt from this poem:

1. Being happy and being "studiously inclined" were contradictory even in the 19^th century.
2. The smoking age for minors used to be irresponsibly low.
3. The word portentious. I have to use that one more often.
4. When you discover that you friend has come acquired a large amount of cash, you should automatically assume it was inherited from a dead relative.
5. Using the destruction of books to appeal to someone who appears not to care for literature or education is 100% effective.
6. Threepence x 365 x 7 = 30 pounds
7.   If you use rhyming poetry to correct your friends they will immediately be humbled and ashamed of their actions.
8. SMOKING KILLS LIBRARIES!! 

Congratulations, I have effectively convinced you to stop smoking. Now you can donate that $60 you were going to spend on Nicorette and donate it to me so that I can further my education and continue to enlighten you with motivational poetry. 

Isn't university awesome?

Why The World Needs Musical Numbers: A Commentary on Modern Folklore and the Deceit of Love’s First Kiss

In my ever so tantalizing Children’s Literature class, we are learning some pretty interesting things. K, I lied about the tantalizing part, it’s really excruciatingly boring, but I blame that on the prof, not the texts. The subject matter we are studying is, in fact, thoroughly enlightening. I feel like so many of my problems, so many of my deep-seeded Freudian issues, have been truly uncovered and their sources revealed. I no longer have to blame them on the ambiguous terms of “society” and “America”, now I can pinpoint them down to the specific time, nay the specific lines, in which I turned from a rosy-cheeked youngster to a ruffled-up graduate from the School of Hard Knocks (you know, I have always wanted to make that joke but for some reason I dreamed it to be a lot more satisfying. Shucks.)

Why you ask? Because of fairy tales. The bane of childhood innocence. The curse of the naïve. The blight of the wide-eyed halflings. We are reading through many classic fairy tales in their original form- the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Anderson sort- and comparing them to the modern concepts we know and love. I must say I give a massive hurrah to political correctness and its undeniably immaculate ability to shine things up. For those of you who know where I’m going with this, congratulations on having your eyes previously opened, and for those of you who don’t, let us join arms and weep for our misguided juvenescence.

Case Study 1: The Serious Incident of Misconstrued Vernacular

Take the wonderful tale of The Frog Prince (like the original one, not the newly feminized, racially acceptable Disney version from last year). The beautiful story of a lovely girl who locks lips with a frog only to open her eyes to the flowing locks and chiseled chin of Prince Charming. Indeed, how charming! Or not. In the real story, it is not a smoldering kiss that unlocks this fine fellow, but an enraged hurl at a thick, brick wall. It is only after the girl flings the frog as hard as she can against said wall that her true love is revealed. I guess it is easy to see how “thrown violently against stone with the intent of murder” was accidently translated into “true love’s kiss”. Romantic, right?

Case Study 2: A Lovely Lip Lock or an Accidental Drop

Snow White. The girl everyone loves to hate. She goes through the motions, living life as a drop-dead catch and is then hunted after and poisoned by her not-so-well-off step-mother. She bites the apple, gracefully falls to the ground in slow motion, and is knocked into a seemingly never-ending coma. Typical. Her main squeeze approaches, hoping to release her from the grasping tendrils of perpetual sleep. Does he lean down and offer her the sweet morsels of his infatuated lips. NOPE! He takes her coffin and carries it off and, while carrying it, accidentally drops it which results in her lifeless corpse tumbling out and hitting the ground. The impact dislodges the half-digested apple chunk from her throat and miraculously she awakes.

Case Study 3: Bippity-Boppity-Blood

The tale of Cinderella and her magical glass slipper. Wrong already. It’s actually Ashputtle and her golden clogs. Not quite as dreamy of a ring to it, eh? We press on. The story continues along roughly the same format (minus the fact that there’s no fairy godmother, just a tree that grants wishes. Now how is a tree supposed to sing one of the catchiest musical numbers known to mankind?) She goes to the ball, falls in love with the man, drops the footwear, etc, etc. But now it’s time for the prince to find his bride to be. He goes to the ugly stepsisters and they attempt to put on these overpriced pumps. Do they push hard and then give up? No sir-ee. The stepmother convinces them that this is their last shot to become queen so she gives them a knife to saw up their feet. The first sister slices off her toes, the second hacks at her heels. The prince almost made the mistake of marrying these girls were it not for the ever-so-charming warnings of a passing bird:

“Roocoo, roocoo,

There’s blood in the shoe

The foots too long, the foot’s too wide,

That’s not the proper bride.”

Nothing like rhyming verse to make self-mutilation sound magical. In the end, the prince smartens up and finally puts the shoe on Ashputtle and, lo-and-behold, there was "no blood spurting from her shoe and staining her white stocking all red.” Tell me if that’s not the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard.

I think you are getting the picture. These delightful stories that mark out the standard of true love for our generation are really not romantic at all. I am not even going to go into the obscene amount of grotesque murder and torture that accompany these love stories.

So we are left with this; a fragmented deconstruction of the dearly beloved fairytales we once held so near to our hearts. People say chivalry is dead, but perhaps the modern concept of chivalry is just gleamed behind pretty princesses and ice-cream frosting and catchy songs that you cannot help but whistle despite the fact that you are sitting on public transit and being stared at by fellow university students. The cynic in me would like to point out how scarily realistic it is that when people go looking for a life-fulfilling, perfectly-redemptive, eternally-liberating true love’s kiss, they find instead a blundering fool or a passionate rejection. I wonder if the Grimm brothers or Hans Christian Anderson realized that their seemingly realistic albeit unnecessarily gruesome texts would be transformed into the powdery puff that they are today.

But, despite Disney’s attempt to soften the blow, there is still an ironic justice in this revelation. Just as my generation is finding out that their childhood romance stories are in fact not romantic at all, the dejected girls off of The Bachelor are realizing that one kiss is not going to solve everything despite their being irrevocably, undeniably, and indubitably “in love”. The illusion is shattered in fable and in fantasy. Maybe people are realizing that “happily ever after” is in fact not “happily ever-ignorant” and more “happily pushing through trials and hard times and frustration and pain only to persevere and realize that beneath it all there is still support ever after”.

I’m not that harsh of a cynic, honest. I do believe in love. I do. This is not so much a commentary on today’s social expectations as it is on the fact that I will never be able to watch the Little Mermaid again without thinking of bloody feet and love affairs. This makes me sad, so in order to console myself I making myself feel better by ruining it for all of you as well.

So what does this look like for the next generation that did not grow up with a line up of Disney princesses displayed proudly on their backpacks? The next generation is looking up to Edward Cullen as the epitome of love and self-sacrifice. This is concerning not only because of the now massively unattainable and false expectations that litter young girls’ hearts, not only because true love and chivalry are once again obstructed by gimmicks and magic, but mostly because of the serious lack of musical numbers. “Someday My Prince Will Come” may have misguided an entire generation into a dissatisfied love life, but at least we can go out singing.

The 68th Annual Golden Globes!!!

All right ladies and gentlemen, movie buffs and movie buffettes, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for!! The Golden Globes are tonight!! I know you’ve all been sitting in eager anticipation, preparing your living room for hours of unimaginable entertainment and suspense!! Pop that popcorn!! Stir that Ice Tea!! It’s time for the red carpet!!!!

I get it. Nobody really cares about award shows. And to be honest, I don’t even care about them enough to actually watch them, I’m just going to get the results tomorrow morning. I’ve wasted way too many hours of my life listening to the Lifetime Achievement award about someone who did something back when my grandparents were courting. But I still appreciate them, for the mere fact that they bring immortality to a lot of movies. I am one of those people who uses Best Picture lists to choose what movie to watch next. I judge an entire year based on the movies that were picked out as “the best”, so I want the movies representing 2010 to be deserving of that title. Perhaps it’s a little melodramatic, but, meh, I’ve got nothing else to do on a Sunday evening (oh wait, except read 200 pages from Ulysses. SHoooot.)

So, as referenced multiple times in the last couple of posts, I had intended to see Inception one last time before the awards but unfortunately, it was just not meant to be. I tried to hide my views and appear impartial so as not to seem biased when comparing other nominees in the Best Picture category, but I am glaringly aware that I failed massively. I love love love Inception, and I want the world to know. Instead of a huge long review, here are 6 solid reasons why I can’t get enough of it (and why you should watch it, if by some freak chance you haven’t.)

1. Juno, Tom, and Jack. Ellen Page, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Leonardo DiCaprio are all extraordinary actors and this movie is no exception.
2. The soundtrack. The soundtrack. The soundtrack! Hans Zimmer is brilliant and this movie will definitely go down as one of my favourite soundtracks. If you’ve seen the movie and haven’t figured out why the music is awesome, check out this link. Blasting this soundtrack in my car automatically makes me feel like everyone on the road is out to get me – and I love it!! It’s powerful, dramatic, inspirational, and brilliant. LOVE it!
3. Originality. I realize that the plotline isn’t 100% original, but in this day and age it definitely comes close…er. This movie strives to go to new places and it doesn’t disappoint. Considering three of the five movies in the Best Picture category are biographies, Inception definitely gets points for being unique.
4. It doesn't need to be sexy. The closest thing it comes to any form of sexuality is a brief and comical kiss. It still has a PG-13 rating for it's violence (though, is it really violence, because if you get shot in the dream world, does it happen in real life? OH MY! brain ninja), but I appreciated that it didn't go over the top for the sake of going over the top.
5. Brain Ninja. This is the very official term for the effect that occurs after the last scene ends and the credits start rolling and you are sitting there in hopeless desperation, contemplating reality, unsure of what you’re supposed to do next. Does it even matter anymore? Were you even watching a movie? Do you even EXIST? These are wonderful feelings, matched in greatness only by love.
6. Freaking Amazingness. Again, a very official term that I deem appropriate for the sake of describing this movie. It has humour, it has thrills, it has action, it has drama. I watched this movie three times in theatre (don’t worry, I didn’t pay every time) and I don't regret it at all. Like I said previously, I giggled through the entire movie the first time out of pure joy, and then just waited in anticipation for the inevitable groan from the audience at the end of the movie the second and third time. 

So there you have it. Again, not very official, but I needed to make my love for Inception public (in fact, as soon as I finish this blog I’ll even go make it Facebook official).

Below are my official thoughts on what is going to go down tonight at the Golden Globes. I tried my absolute best to be as informed as I could on the nominees but there were some categories that I missed out entirely, so I just didn’t include them. I really regret not being able to see 127 Hours because I heard it was amazing but, oh well. Maybe I’ll catch in time for the duh duh duh duuuh: 83^rd ACADEMY AWARDS!! Just kidding, I’m kind of tired of award shows now and I can’t see my opinions changing that drastically, but who knows? Maybe I’ll have run out of new blog post ideas by then. Stay tuned for exciting drama!!!

Michael’s Very Informed, Perfectly Opinionated, 100% Accurate Guide to the 68^th Annual Golden Globe Awards!!!!

Best Motion Picture – Drama

Should win: Inception

Will win: The King’s Speech

(This is the big one and honestly there’s some tough competition. Black Swan has a high chance of winning due to its massive theatrics and sensuality, but I think The King’s Speech will win out for its purity and amazing acting. I always think the movie I choose is the underdog so that way I’m that much happier if it wins.)

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama

Should win: Colin Firth – King’s Speech

Will win: Colin Firth – King’s Speech

(I think this one is pretty much a shoe-in. Unless James Franco’s acting in 127 Hours is mind-blowing, Colin Firth wins this one by a landslide.)

Best Motion Picture – Comedy or Musical:

Should win: Burlesque

Will win: Burlesque

(I commented previously on this category and I’m still just as impartial. I am opinionated because I know which ones shouldn’t win, so that left Red and Burlesque. I haven’t seen either but I know that I, along with most movie critics, generally favour musicals (it's just hard to resist someone singing show-tunes). Either way there are just WAY too many Cher lovers out there so it will probably win.)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy or Musical:

Should win: Emma Stone – Easy A

Will win: Julianne Moore – The Kids are All Right

(This is kind of the same as the last category. I just don’t want The Kids are All Right to win, though I’m fairly confident they will. That and, I’m not going to lie, I have a bit of a moviestar crush on Emma Stone. Easy A was hilarious and while it was more focused towards a teen demographic, I think it was clever and deserves some respect. Plus, the whole movie is a massive allusion to an old English text, what's not to love.)

Best Animated Feature Film:

Should win: How to Train Your Dragon

Will win: Toy Story 3

(So I know that I’ll probably gain some enemies by saying that I don’t want Toy Story 3 to win, especially considering the chances of it losing are the same as the chances of my father voting for Sarah Palin in the next election. But, I hate to say it, I just really didn’t enjoy this movie. It was good and reminiscent during its sentimental moments, but it was terrifying and absurd for the rest of it. I have to go with my gut, and my gut says Dragons.)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

Should win: Melissa Leo – The Fighter

Will win: Melissa Leo – The Fighter

(While this movie didn’t particularly blow my mind, Melissa Leo was pretty incredible at being a crazy mother. She scared me, ergo, she wins.)

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

Should win: Geoffrey Rush – The King’s Speech

Will win: Christian Bale – The Fighter

(Geoffrey Rush’s character was lovable, confident, and risk-taking, and all of these characteristics were portrayed perfectly. That being said, movie critics tend to favour drug-induced characters and Christian Bale will probably snag it.)

Best Director – Motion Picture

Should win: Christopher Nolan – Inception

Will win: David Seidler – The King’s Speech

(I have a mancrush on Christopher Nolan. The man has directed Dark Knight, Prestige, Memento, and Inception. Every single one of those movies place in my top favourites, therefore the man deserves some credit.)

Best Screenplay – Motion Picture

Should win: David Seidler – The King’s Speech

Will win: David Seidler – The King’s Speech

(It is deserved.)

Best Original Score – Motion Picture

Should win: Inception

Will win: Inception

(At least I’m really really hoping so. This soundtrack is phenomenal and I would be very sad if it is not given the recognition it deserves.)

Best Original Song – Motion Picture

Should win: “There’s a Place for Us” – Carrie Underwood – Chronicles of Narnia

Will win: “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” – Burlesque

(I have not actually seen any of the movies on this list but I listened to the songs independently from the film on Youtube. In my opinion, Carrie Underwood has the better song, plus I have a subconscious need to support Chronicles of Narnia as a Christian... weird. That and, like I said, there are way too many Cher fans out there. She still sounds like a man, 90 years later.)

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Drama

Should win: Hugh Laurie – House

Will win: Jon Hamm – Mad Men

(I don’t really think House has a fighting chance in this category, but I will always be a fan of Hugh Laurie. Regardless of how typical House’s plot line gets, all it takes is for me to watch a couple of interviews of Hugh Laurie in real life and I am re-blown away all over again. The man has a British accent for crying out loud!! On the other hand, Mad Men wins everything.)

Best Television Series – Comedy Musical

Should win: Glee

Will win: Glee

(I am still on the fence about my attraction to this show. I may not agree with it entirely, but I can’t deny that it has become a massive success in only one season. If 30 Rock takes this award, I give up.)

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Comedy or Musical

Should win: Steve Carell – The Office

Will win: Alec Baldwin – 30 Rock

(Poor Steve Carell. Every year I cheer for him in support of my favourite show on TV and every year I get disappointed. He won’t win this award, but I still believe in him. Did you hear that Stevey? I STILL BELIEVE IN YOU!!

… stupid 30 Rock.)

Done and done. With only 90 minutes until the beginning of the awards, my tally is finally in. I have probably dedicated way too much time on this but, hey, somebody's got to do it. Where would the world be without millions of entirely uninfluential bloggers voicing their completely futile opinions for the whole of the internet world? Amiright!

Good night, and good luck.

More Nominees

Alright so I decided I'm not a huge fan of writing movie reviews. I get overwhelmed at how pretentious I feel writing things like “excellent cinematography and phenomenal directing”. It’s not that those are pretentious things to say in-and-of themselves, and I respect people who can say things like that over and over and still sound original, but I don’t think I’m one of those people. So instead of writing individual blog posts for all of the golden globe movies, I’m just going to write my thoughts on them.

The Fighter

This movie was definitely not what I was expecting. It was super weird to see Batman playing a scrawny, crack-addicted ex-boxer, but man did he ever do a good job. There were some sweet shots in this movie and definitely great acting (mostly between Christian Bale and the main character’s mother). I have to give massive respect to the amount of obvious training that both Bale and Wahlberg put into their roles. After the movie all I wanted to do was fight, which (I think) was the sign of a really great movie. I found the ending a tiny bit anti-climactic (mostly because I don’t understand the rules of boxing and so I wasn’t aware that the fight was over, oops) but other than that I was thoroughly entertained the whole time. Was it a really great movie? Yes. Was it the best movie of the year? No.

Social Network

Hmm, I’m not gonna lie, I have my doubts on this one. When I first saw the previews for it I assumed that it was going to be a complete publicity thing and will get massive revenue because of its subject. I was right, but the fact that it got award nods and whole bunch of amazing reviews made me think that it was more than what I’d originally assumed. I don’t think I was entirely right, but I definitely wasn’t entirely wrong. The movie was entertaining but my main problem was with these two trivia quotes:

“In October 2010, the real Sean Parker told Vanity Fair that he actually once met Justin Timberlake and that Timberlake wanted to get to know him better for his preparation for his role in this movie. Parker then replied getting to know the real Sean Parker wouldn't help Timberlake at all, because the Parker from Aaron Sorkin's script has little to do with the real person.”

"Mark Zuckerberg originally planned never to see the movie. He ended up taking several of his employees to see it. He later remarked that, despite some of the film's inaccuracies, they got his clothing right.”

Regardless of how well the movie was done or acted, the purpose of this film was still meant to portray the beginning of Facebook, and from a bunch of articles I’ve read, that really doesn’t seem to be the case at all. It’s scary that now hundreds of thousands of people have an impression of a real-life company and real-life people that seems to be entirely inaccurate. I would hate to be any of characters of the movie after this. For that reason, I am not a fan of this movie.

The King’s Speech

Darn expectations. I went into this movie with way too large of expectations since I had heard rumours that audiences were applauding at the end of the film. Unfortunately it did not meet my ridiculously high expectations, but it did come pretty darn close. It was brilliantly, brilliantly acted and I hope Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush both win their respective awards for it.

This was not a complicated movie. The plot is straightforward and the synopsis tells you pretty much everything you need to know about the action. The focus is definitely on the characters and it does a great job making them relatable and human. It had some really enjoyable, artistic camera angles and I’m not one to notice things like this normally, as studying film is not my passion. It also had some sweet shots that allowed you to feel what the characters were feeling, which was unique and not something you would expect in a biographical movie like this.

I laughed my head off at some of the scenes and was truly moved by others. I’ve been close friends with a couple of people with stutters and the movie did a great job of portraying the feelings that accompanied those interactions. I obviously can’t say what it felt like to watch this film while having this impediment, but for me it was really eye-opening to the struggle it brings. The music was great, the acting was phenomenal, the cinematography was amazing, all around it was just excellent excellent excellent.

This movie also stands as an example of our failed movie rating system. How did this movie and Black Swan get the same rating of “R”?? Surely there can be a better classification and separation between movies that deserve it and movies that don’t. Lame.

And I still want to watch it again before I rate Inception. Hopefully I’ll get a chance before the awards ceremony this Sunday.

Why I Love Being a University Student

Today was my second day of my new classes this semester and I am pumped for what the next four months have in store. I have a feeling this is going to be my most intense semester ever and a large part of that is because I finally decided to man up a little. I’m taking three English courses, two of which are 3000 level, a Neuroscience course and a Psychology course. I’m not too worried about my science courses, but the English ones should be interesting.

For Children’s Literature I get to read:

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll

Little Women – Louisa May Alcott

Treasure Island –Robert Louis Stevenson

Bridge to Terabithia – Katherine Paterson

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone – J.K. Rowling

As well as a massive survey of fairy tales and other children’s stories

Should be easy enough as well as quite entertaining. My prof is anti technology and won’t allow computers in the classroom, which is a major bummer for me, but we’ll see how it goes. I’m interested to see how the Harry Potter section will turn out…

For Contemporary Literature I get to read:

Libra – Don DeLillo

Vas: An Opera in Flatland – Steve Tomasula

Maus – Art Speigleman

House of Leaves – Mark Z. Danielewski

Schrodinger’s Cat – Ursula K. Le Guin

As well as a whole bunch of postmodern short stories

I think I’m going to be in heaven in this class. It’s with the same prof who chose a Jonathan Safran Foer book for us to read last semester, so I trust her reading choices already. That and I’ve heard that a lot of the things we are studying have wicked typography and pages where the font runs all over the page. Seeing as my one request for Christmas was JSF’s Tree of Codes, I think I’m going to fit right in.

For Modern Novel I get to read:

The Sound and The Fury – William Faulkner

Hunger – Knut Hamsun

Three Lives – Gertrude Stein

Mrs. Dalloway – Virginia Woolf

Ulysses – James Joyce

I have never been more intimidated by a course than I am by this one. Reason #1: We are given two weeks to read Ulysses. For those of you who haven’t seen Ulysses, it is massive and certainly not a two week read for a slow reader like me, especially when we have to read a guide every chapter along with it just to understand it. I’m overly terrified slash wonderfully excited to tackle a book that has been referenced by every single English prof I’ve ever had. Reason #2: My prof has a vanity plate that says “ULYSSES” above his office door. If that isn’t scary, I don’t know what is. Reason #3: My prof is the Associate Dean for Arts and Science. This is the guy whose job it is to expel students for cheating or plagiarism. No pressure. Reason #4: He said in-class essays that take more than an hour are ridiculous. I don’t write essays in an hour. Reason #5: He wants our final 18-page paper due back in increments. For those of you who have ever witnessed me writing a paper or know about my writing techniques, I also don’t do increments.

This class has me scared out of my mind (my heart was racing through the reading of the syllabus) but I’m excited. It’s important to note that one of the reasons I’m sticking with it is because reading Ulysses is on my life list. I’m excited to be challenged and, while he is intimidating, the prof seems quite funny and I have a feeling I’m going to learn a lot. Also, he has old Windsor eyeglasses, so that’s pretty legit too.

Between my own personal entertainment readings (I just took an optimistic 20 books out from the library. What are the chances I'm going to touch more than 3 of them?), Kerry’s Canadian-book-a-month, and whatever neuro and psych textbooks I have to read, I basically don’t intend to do anything else but read in my free time. This is why I love university.

Black Swan

(This is not what I want to blog about today. I want to blog about the ridiculousness of which is my culture and the atrocities of my government because that's what I can't stop reading about, but right now I am trying to be a good citizen of the world and go to bed at a decent hour, because that's apparently what good citizens do. Since New Years I have not gone to bed before 6 am, partially due to a messed up sleep schedule, partially due to the fact that I love night time so incredibly much. There is not enough time in the day to account for all the reading and writing I want to do, along with the hours of procrastination it takes me to get to all that reading and writing. Oh well. So here's a pre-promised post for the sake of making up for the day I missed.)

So in of my previous post I talked about the Golden Globe nominations. As of tonight I have finally seen all the movies on the nominee list and am finally coming to a conclusion about them. I saw Inception in theatres a while ago, so I’d like to watch it again before I talk about it so I thought I'd review Black Swan first.

So where to begin? The only way to describe this movie is to say it is intense. It’s an incredibly overused word, one that I’m guilty of butchering, but it is really the most descriptive adjective for this review. You see, I am not a horror guy. I don’t do horrors. The closest I have come to watching a horror was when I watched Seed of Chucky and spent 35% of it in the bathroom pretending I wasn’t feeling well. That's a long time to sit bored in a bathroom! Or the time I “watched” House of Wax, where I spent 15% of the movie with my eyes open, 25% with my eyes closed or using the whole hands-as-blinds technique, and 60% of the time consoling the girls as they ran out of the room. Call it childhood sensitivity, call it considerate chivalry, either way I don’t do horrors.

On the other hand, I DO do thrillers. I will take a mindgame movie over any other genre pretty much any day. I love intellectual thrillers and having my mind toyed with (hence my unintentional minor in Psychology). Just ask the guy I saw Inception with: I giggled like a schoolgirl throughout the entire movie because I loved it so much (sorry about that man). So a movie that includes mind games, phenomenal music, good actors, and dance? I’m in. I wanted to go see this movie because I like being made uncomfortable; I have always found that the most impacting movies are the ones that don’t allow you to sit back in your seat (Hotel Rwanda, Saving Private Ryan, Dead Man Walking, The Pianist, Life is Beautiful, Schindler’s List – I’m aware there are plenty more but those are some that I have seen). Unfortunately, this desire to be uneasy made me disregard the R rating far too quickly.

This movie was uncomfortable, edgy, and passionate; certainly the farthest you can get from a “feel good movie”. I don’t want to give you the whole synopsis because that’s an easy find on imbd.com, but basically it’s about a girl who gets so caught up in expectations and being perfect that it consumes her. A better way to explain this movie is to explain how I felt at the end. My body was sore from having every muscle clenched for almost 2 hours and my fingertips were all pruney from being doused in sweat. Who knew that was even possible? Like I said, I don’t do horrors, and this was a lot more like a horror than I realized going into it, but that wasn’t the only contributing factor.

Here are some things that made this movie interesting:

The soundtrack. A huge thing I listen for in a movie is a good soundtrack because I think it can make or break the movie. Amazing soundtracks accompany almost all of my favourite movies and this movie was no exception. I found out on imdb.com that the soundtrack, composed by Clint Mansell, is a variation on Tchaikovsky’s “Swan Lake” ballet, but played backwards and in a distorted manner. I will always be a sucker for classical music that is redone and distorted especially to sound darker and more dramatic.

The acting. I’m not a huge fan of Natalie Portman. While “V for Vendetta” was a redeeming quality, two words: Star Wars. Now that acting monstrosity was not entirely her fault- I blame Hayden Christenson- but still, it doesn’t get much worse acting than that. She was great in this movie though. The real standouts for me were Barbara Hershey as the pushy mom living vicariously through her daughter and Vincent Cassel because, even though you hate his character, you can’t help but admit he was good at getting you to hate him.

The storyline. I went into this movie thinking that I had entirely planned out the twist just by watching the trailers. And while I wasn’t completely off, that wasn’t the point. A good movie doesn’t need to re-invent the wheel, it just needs to make that wheel look brilliant. In this movie they played to my weakness for Moulin Rouge and did the whole play within a play plotline. It was a lot less obvious and whole lot darker, but it was still intriguing to watch the typical plot of the ballet and the plot of the main character play out at the same time.

The aftereffect. This movie blew my mind enough that I didn’t move during the entire credits, I didn’t talk the whole drive home, and I am still thinking about it constantly despite the fact that I saw it a week ago.  Granted, I am aware that I am a particularly melodramatic person so these actions shouldn’t astound anyone who knows me well, but that doesn’t mean they should be ignored completely. A powerful movie shouldn’t end the minute the credits start rolling, and this one certainly didn’t.

The message. While there were plenty of theatrics and incredibly tense moments, the message of the movie cannot be lost. It speaks of a girl who is surrounded by a lot of pressure to do better and a lot of self-critiquing that is obviously unhealthy. The dangers of striving for perfection is a universal message and one that I think way too many people can relate to. The movie is built on themes such as bulimia, abuse, and self-mutilation, and presents them in a terrifying manner. I don’t think I have ever seen a more impacting portrayal of the effects that pressure can have on a person. It shows the pain of being your own worst critic and being unable to find joy in yourself. It is hard to find time to feel sorrow in such a tense movie, but it really is heartbreaking once you consider how relevant these issues are.

So, so far, raging reviews, right? Unfortunately, it can’t stay that way. As much as this movie impacted me, I can’t recommend it to other people for one very simple and sad reason: sex. This movie is passionate and unfortunately it capitalizes on the intensity of sensuality to make it more dramatic. I did not read a whole lot of reviews before going to see it because I did not want anything to be spoiled (my curiosity combined with Roger Ebert/IMDB is not conducive to hiding movie secrets). Unfortunately that came back to bite me as I found myself on the verge of walking out multiple times. Maybe it was pride, maybe it was curiosity, maybe it was because my muscles were already cramped from clenching, but either way, I didn’t. This movie pushed boundaries because it knew that it could get away with it, and I really wish that that hadn’t been the case. It’s disheartening because it will probably get better reviews because of this fact, but it ruined the movie for me.

Five paragraphs of positivity and one paragraph of negativity reflects how I feel about this movie, but unfortunately that one negativity is WAY too big to ignore. Some movies have scenes you can easily skip through and you won’t miss a lot, but sexuality is embedded in a lot of this film. The scenes are rarely even necessary to the plotline which makes them that much more distasteful. They all add to the general feeling of discomfort that the movie presents, but the end result was just not worth it.

There’s huge potential this movie will do well at the awards but I just can’t support it. I've been trying for the last 20 minutes to post a link to the original version of Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake Finale to help you get a taste of what the movie is like (if you have a creative enough imagination), but for some reason blogger and youtube don't want to cooperate. Either way, go check it out if you have the time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wkn8nJv9JbM&feature=related

Movies! Movies! Movies!

So as previously mentioned I love lists and one of those lists includes the nominations for any type of award show. I read the nominations for pretty much any award ceremony (yay to House for getting three wins at the People’s Choice awards yesterday!). One of the award ceremonies I focus on a lot is the Golden Globes. Grammys make me sad because they are really just a reflection of album sales, I gave up on the Emmys after 30 Rock started winning everything, and don’t even get me started on the MTV music awards. The Academy Awards are still good in my books, but their nominations for 2010 aren’t out until the 25^th, so I can’t include them in this. So Golden Globes here we come.

Along with lists, I have a massive fascination with movies. There was a point where I was trying to watch a movie a night for about two months, and, while not the healthiest, I definitely learnt a lot. I believe film is the most powerful form of media to promote ideas, desires, and possibly even change. Movies can create awareness and propose concepts that most people aren’t aware of, and they do it in a form that pretty much everyone loves (have you ever met anyone who hates movies?). I am constantly reconsidering and changing my Top Ten Favourite Movies List and have to separate it into different categories to feel completely at ease with it. This is a potentially sad fact about me, but I cling to it regardless. I’m sure there’s a blog post there somewhere about my need to define and organize, but I won’t get into that today.

So put my love of movies and lists together and you have the nominations for the 2011 Golden Globes Best Picture - Drama: Inception, The Social Network, The Fighter, Black Swan, The King’s Speech. I would include the Best Picture nominations for Best Comedy/Musical into the debate because I tend to enjoy this category, but this year it’s kind of a throw away so I’m not really invested in the outcome. The nominees for that are: Red, Burlesque, Alice in Wonderland, The Kids are All Right, and The Tourist. I have only seen three of the films on the list, two of which I didn’t particularly care for (Alice in Wonderland, The Tourist) and one of which I turned off (The Kids are All Right). I’ve heard good things about the other two, but I’m not overwhelmed with the desire to see them.

So, we return to Best Drama. I have every intention of seeing every film on this list and only have two to go. I will try to review them after I see them, but my skills as a reviewer are quite unpracticed. Just as a hint of what my taste is like, some dramas that made it into my favourites list include A Beautiful Mind, Braveheart, Dead Poets Society, Fight Club, Into the Wild, Life is Beautiful, and The Prestige. There are more obviously, but that’s what I’ve got for now.

I’m not normally as invested into the list of nominees as much as I have been this year, but I think it’s a combination of the fact that they are all getting amazing reviews and that they are all coming out at pretty much the same time (Black Swan, Fighter, and King’s Speech to theatre, Inception and Social Network to DVD). Exciting stuff.

Any thoughts on the movies mentioned or other great movies of the year?

A excerpt from one of my favourite scenes from one of my favourite movies. Plus you got to dig the accents:

An Ode to Mono

So, as many of you know, I have been dealt with the wonderful disease known as mono. MONO. It’s so threatening. Not because the word itself is that intimidating, in fact quite the opposite because it kind of reminds me of Bono, which is soothing. Rather because its name suggests that it will only affect you once, yet, while that may be true, that once may last for FOUR freakin’ months.

I am now coming close to my four month monoversary (man I am I ever clever) and I think that I may just maybe actually sorta kinda a little bit possibly be done with it *crosses fingers* (I'm hoping not to jinx it by typing it out loud). I've been told that I am going to have the lack of energy symptom for a while to come, but the rest seem to have left for the time being. In honour of this glorious occasion I have created for you a list, no an ode rather, of the 25 things I have learnt over the last four months.

  

Everything I’ve Learnt, I Learnt From Mono: 

An Ode to Infectious Mononucleosis

1. I’ve learnt where my spleen is located.
2. I’ve learnt that buying Costco amounts of toilet paper unintentionally back in September actually comes in handy once you run out of Kleenex boxes.
3.  I’ve learnt I suck at being sick. If there were an award for being sick, I would get the Razzie equivalent of it. I’m just not good at it. I believe that some people can be good at. I'm not. (It's as if I was driving everyone else here crazy. Crazy with worry, that is.)
4. I've learnt that people are all too aware that mono is known as the "kissing disease". I've also learnt that the phrase "kissing disease" apparently has to be said in the exact same high-pitched, sing-song tone every single time it is said.
5. I've leant that some people aren't aware that mono is not an STD.
6. I’ve learnt that “I have mono” is an effective way of getting out of things as well as gaining more personal space.
7. I’ve learnt that sometimes mono made me a terrible person. I felt like I was carrying around a secret weapon. Sometimes I would spend my whole class scheming about how I could exchange saliva with people I don't like.
8. I've learnt that Oil of Oregano, as miraculous as it may be, still tastes like garbage no matter how many different ways you take it.
9. I’ve learnt that watching “House” for 8-hour periods while being sick is entirely entertaining, but really unsettling and ultimately unhealthy as you feel like you are about to die every approximately 38 minutes. Don’t worry, he always figures it out in the end.
10. Studying about the migration and gestation periods of pigeons is boring normally. I’ve learnt that studying the migration and gestation periods of pigeons while having mono = worse than watching consecutive episodes of the Tyra Banks show.
11. I've learnt that girlfriends are understanding and patient (sorry about the Tyra Banks comment).
12. I’ve learnt that having zero appetite is a great way to save on your grocery budget.
13. I’ve learnt that attempting to play trumpet while having mono = a lot of phlegm and not a whole lot else. Enjoy that mental picture.
14. After 4 months of coughing, my abs are going to be freakin’ RIPPED. I haven’t learnt this yet, but I will.
15. I’ve learnt that girls never tire of laughing at you when your voice cracks. Never.
16. I’ve learnt that attempting to do mono-obstructed meditative breathing exercises in yoga class results in purely in frustration as well as people inching their mats away.
17. I’ve learnt that threatening to spit in the water fountains is a great way to get yourself approved to be excused from completing your practicum.
18. I've learnt that not being able to breathe out of your nose for 2 months sucks. I've also learnt that that first full breath after 2 months is a cathartic, euphoric, and a, for all intents and purposes, magical experience. Some would even equate it to the feeling you get the first time you hold your newborn.
19. I've learnt that when you announce said ability to breathe with both nostrils to your parents they will respond with comments such as: "Congratulations!", "Send out the pigeons!", and "Blow the flugelhorns!" Aren't parents swell?
20. I've learnt how often I break out into song. This proved difficult and entertaining many times throughout the four months (see #15).
21. I've learnt that not having the appetite to eat the huge Thanksgiving meals that are set out before you is murder, especially when you're a university student whose normal eating habits consist of KD and cereal.
22. I’ve learnt that middle school students will continue to nail you with hacky-sacks even if you warn them about your swollen spleen. Fourteen-year-olds are impervious to swollen spleens.
23. After the first two months, I learnt that it is a lot handier to keep the garbage can directly beside my bed instead of trying to aim used Kleenexes into the bin 6 feet away. On a related note, I’ve once again learnt why I did not make the basketball team in high school.
24. I’ve learnt that not having the energy to take advantage of a day where you didn’t go to school is like running a steaming hot bubble bath and not being able to step into it.
25.  I’ve learnt I have a new appreciation for the healing powers of a steaming hot bubble bath.

I’ve also heard about a lot of different horror stories of people who have had to quit their jobs or schooling because they couldn’t keep up with it due to mono (including one of my profs). I mention this because I cannot be more thankful that God gave me the strength to keep up with my classes and finish off my semester well. Christmas break couldn't have come at a better time because right now I am able to indulge my ridiculous sleeping pattern and hopefully get back to normal come January 10th. So here’s to ripped abs.

A good, optimistic getting better song:

One Week of Yuletide Cheer

Wow, merry festivities to all.

And what a festive season it has been. I have taken a short vacation from blogging because my Christmas season has been filled to the brim. I still very much intend to blog daily (or along those lines), it’s just that Christmas was the exception (as you’ll soon find out why). So to make up for it, let me give you a little tour of my Seven Days of Christmas.

25 – Christmas Day. Alright, bring on the festive cheer (Christmas Eve was intentionally unfestive, my one defense against the onslaught of yuletide). May I also just make a note that I was definitely finishing up my Christmas gifts at 10am the morning of. I started shopping on the 23^rd and finished twenty minutes before my mom and close family opened presents. Take a lesson children, procrastination is applicable in every situation. I won’t bore you with details but fun was had, festivities held, and approximately 7 hours of Catchphrase ensued. Man is that game ever addicting. I have a funny family.

26 – Boxing Day. I can still proudly say that I have never been near a mall on Boxing Day in my entire life. I don’t know if it’s living in a smaller city or because I grew up with Deerfoot mall as my “home mall”, but malls kinda overwhelm me ridiculous amounts now. Recently I went to the new Chinook with my friend and was so overwhelmed I couldn’t process anything. It was sad. So I don’t even want to know what would happen on Boxing Day. Though, I’m not going to lie, I am secretly a big fan of dodging people in large crowds. When I was younger I would deke in and out of groups, pretending that they were all players on opposing soccer teams. After I grew taller than most people it became a lot less fun and much more awkward and gangly. Such is life I guess. Moving along, I opted to spend time with the gf’s rents *chuckle*, had an AMAzing steak dinner, and had a grand time playing Apples to Apples and Cranium with the whole family.

27 – Christmas with Dad and close family. Good conversation, way too much food, Things in a Box, and another 3 more hours of Catchphrase. We also did our fourth annual charity gift thing where we take the money we would have spent on presents and instead give it to charity. Every year I come prepared with a charity in mind, ready to lobby my case. The first two years I opted for Advent Conspiracy, mostly because I am entirely enamored with their promo videos every year. But, despite the fact that my arguments have included video presentations, I have never won. Last year I opted for Kiva, the charity which blows me away with its simplicity and brilliance, and to no one’s surprise, I was out-lobbyed (that’s not to say the money didn’t go to good places, because it definitely did). This year, I came prepared to pull out all the stops: memorized charity information, website examples, I even considered a flow chart or two. I braced myself after placing my idea on the table and I got a resounding… “Sure.” Victory had never tasted so sweet. Honestly it was a little anticlimactic, I was expected a vicious brawl where I would emerge sweaty and victorious from a smoking heap but apparently life isn’t as exciting as the action film in my head. Sad. Optimistically, now we get the joys of finding someone to donate to on Kiva.

28 – Four days into the festivities and things are still going strong. Celeste and I drove down to camp because I have never experienced camp right around Christmas and we were excited to see old friends. After missing the turn-off to Didsbury by like an hour (we basically got all the way to Innisfail) we arrived to winter wonderland. After some post-group clean-up (because nothing says Merry Christmas like old traditions and a clean urinal), we meandered over to Kerry’s for fun and frivolities. Amazing pizza and a couple hours of Balderdash transpired, and we were on the road again. Two hours of stressful driving and we were home in one piece.

29 – Day Five and Christmas spirits remain aloof on our laughter and joy. Well, more like Mom and I cheered as our computer got fixed (after I may or may not have downloaded a file which may or may not have had a lot of viruses which may or may not have been very bad news. What can I say, I just really really wanted to play Age of Empires. Sorry Mom). Then an impromptu miniature family gathering occurred with relatives that I’ve never really talked to but had a wonderful time with. I also rediscovered the joy of puzzles (more on that later).

30 – Six Geese-a-Laying. I miss when terms like “geese-a-laying” were considered acceptable material for song lyrics. Anyway. Day Six hosted a wonderfully Mennonite holiday bash in the basement of Highland with all 49 of my Esau relatives. This ain’t your grandmother's Christmas party. While the locale and potluck-themed dinner appeared along the guise of traditional Mennonite, the Minute-to-Win-It games and KFC proved how rebellious we truly are. I will never forget the image of my uncles and sister bouncing up and down while trying to remove pennies from a Kleenex box around their waist. No further comments.

31 – One Week later and I am almost festivitied out, but set on having a memorable New Years. Past memorable slash thoroughly anticlimactic New Years involve:

2009: Watching Up with older family members. Family members fall asleep. Up ends. Clock strikes midnight. Michael cheers quietly alone and goes to bed.

2008: Sitting in a plane. The pilot announces over the intercom, “Ladies and Gentleman, it is now midnight at our take-off location so… Happy New Year.” The crowd is asleep, minus one slightly drunk guy at the back of the cabin who cheers a quick, “Woohoo!”

2006: I was alone and fell asleep at 9. Woke up to my alarm at 11:55 where I went downstairs to watch tv, cheered quietly to myself, then went back to bed at 12:01.

I could continue, but there really is no need, you get the point. That’s not to say that these were depressing times, just not the poetic climax that always accompanies New Years Eve. Or so I’m told. Thankfully, this year was thoroughly different. I got to see a whackload of old and new friends (and was thoroughly astounded by the small-worldedness of the Menno community yet again. I will never cease to be amazed.) We played some sweet games including Bananagrams, What?, Egyptian War, and Scum, and rang in the New Year right and proper. The holiday has now been since redeemed in my head. Though my pride in having a successful New Year was dampened slightly by the realization that I beat my own mother home by a full two hours. Oh well, I tried.

So, now you’ve gotten a little taste of what it is like to celebrate a multi-familied holiday season. To be honest, I often dread Christmas because: a) my sisters are always better Christmas shoppers than me b) it usually includes having to drive halfway across the globe c) social gatherings make me awkward d) they’re a glaring reminder that your family isn’t perfect e) and Christmas music is easily overrated. Maybe it was me growing up, or maybe it was my family growing together, or maybe it was the fact that I only listened to a very select amount of festive songs, but this Christmas season has been quite possibly my most favourite yet. I also realized two very important things: a) I don’t know if you caught this general theme, but I really dig board games. A lot. And b) my family is pretty darn legit.

I wish I could end this post with Sheree Plett and Eisenhauer’s “Cloak Room” because it seems to be the song of my holiday season, but unfortunately I can’t find an Internet version of it. If you do get a chance though, pick up their “Lights Used to Shine” album: totally worth it. I would also do “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay, but that’s been posted too many times now (though still, really really good). So instead, I’ve opted for some Ingrid and Sara, because you just can’t go wrong with something so adorable.